The day had finally come.
Bri sat on the windowsill over looking the main street of Univille as she sipped her coffee, fingering her engagement ring as she lightly hummed to herself.
Last night, she and her bridesmaids had gone for a night on the town that consisted of drinking, karaoke, dancing, and all-out fun. They hadn't run into the boys and their party, as Nikki had planned with Pete and Felix to make sure that they didn't run into one another.
"Well...you're up early today...."
Bri turned to see her soon-to-be husband leaning in the door frame, yawning. Getting up she went over and gave him a kiss on his nose, "No, you're up late. I don't know what Lattimer and the cat did to wipe you out, but when you got in, you collapsed into bed."
Tyler smiled, "That's because you-" he kisses he back, "are the responsible one in this relationship." He smiled and wrapped his arms around her and rocked side-to-side, "You better get cleaned up, Sarah is going to be here in about an hour to take you the B&B to get ready."
Twirling out of his arms towards the bathroom, she smiled, "Think you can go a few hours without me?"
"It's going to be hard, but I'll manage somehow." He joked as he went to make breakfast.
Entering the B&B, Bri was hit with a blast of warm air and the scent of food.
Stepping in, the blushing bride hung her coat up and took a peek into the dining room. Almost every surface was covered in some kind of crockpot, buffet server, or hotplate. Going a bit further in, Bri reached and lifted one of the lids to take a peek, only to have a wooden spoon beat her to the lid. On the other end of that handle was a stressed out Abigail.
"Not happening." The B&B Hostess said, shaking her head, "I've been at this since five, and I have potatos boiling right now."
Bri sighed and gave her a light hug, "Relax Abi, everything looks and smells wonderful." Holding her arms, Bri smiled, "You don't know what this means to me and Tyler, although, I'm surprised that you didn't try to get some local help with this..."
Abigail relaxed a bit, "Ever since those thieves attempted to rob the Warehouse, I've been stingy on getting help. Besides, if we can cook a fried chicken dinner for them, catering a whole wedding is a walk in the park." She paused and raised an eyebrow, "Wait...are you using the pocket watch on me?"
The bride-to-be shook her head, "No, just using over five years of making sure that Tyler and Nikki aren't tearing at each other's throats."
Abigail returned her smile and smoothed out her hair, "Well, I still have to worry about making the small desserts and you ma'am have a dress to get into, now go!" Bri lightly laughed as she hustled up the steps to the second floor.
Lepido's Apartment Edit
Tyler leaped up at the sound of knocking on his door.
Looking through the peephole, the HARP Consultant saw the four men standing outside his door, each holding their suits. "Open the door Tyler!" Pete called out, "Not weather, natural disaster, or artifact crisis is stopping this wedding!" Chuckling, Tyler opened the door and let the groomsmen in, shaking each of their hands.
Laying his tux over the back of the sofa, Felix smirked, "I see that we didn't kill you after last night."
"Shut up," Tyler joked, "I'll have you know I slept like a log when I got back."
Blaine laughed, "Good, cause I think we all know that the two of you won't be sleeping tonight." This earned a resounding laugh from the guys as they all settled into the apartment as they prepared to get Tyler ready for the next major step in his life.
Lawn of the B&B Edit
"Come off it Arthur, you can't stop it."
"That's what's bothering me."
"There's no rule against it."
"Again, that's the problem."
Artie sat dejected in one of the chairs that had been set up for the wedding, fuming over how he couldn't find anything in the handbook about marriage between Warehouse Agents, nor a loophole he could use.
"Arthur, why can't you just be happy for the couple?" Mrs. Frederic asked, standing behind him in a powder blue knitted sweatshirt, "The last time there was something like this-"
"He died, and she was left with unanswered questions for several decades!" The senoir Warehouse Agent fired back, "Even if those two have been to hell and back, literally, what happens if one of them dies on the job? I've seen too many agents fall apart when their partners died; marriage will just make that worse. HARP was lucky that they pulled back together after Leena's death...next time, they might not."
A silence hung over the two of them until Mrs. Frederic placed a hand on Artie's shoulder, "I see, but I think her death reminded them that death and loss is just part of the line of work they signed up for. I believe Mr. and Mrs. Lepido will be prepared should that happen."
Reluctantly, Artie sighed, understanding, "You have a point, if the two of them can survive each other then-"
The tender moment was rudely interrupted by Abigail and Hugo shouting as they chased a ball of red fur around the grounds of the Bed & Breakfast. The Caretaker and Senior agent watched as the blur of red fur proceeded to run towards the chairs, and leap up onto a specially marked one in the front row and sat, chewing on whatever food he'd managed to steal from the kitchen.
Getting up, Artie hustled to it, "Shoo! Go! Get!" The fox looked up to him and cocked his head before leaping down and sitting at the feet of Mrs. Frederic, who looked down at him and smiled.
As the other Warehouse employees reached the wedding set-up, entirely winded, Artie looked to them, "Whose mutt is that?"
Hugo straightened up, "Felix's" he replied, "He asked me to watch his fox while he was helping Tyler get ready."
Abigail shook her head and pointed her spoon at the vulpine, "The dang thing stole about five cocktail weenies from a crockpot! I don't know how it got that lid off so quietly, but I swea-"
Mrs. Frederic held up a hand, "Calm down, I'm sure that he won't be any more trouble, will he?" She asked this to the fox himself, who almost looked like he'd nodded.
Hugo walked up and hooked the leash back on him, "I'll take him into the living room until Felix and the others get back."
Abigail raised an eyebrow, "Okay...but if gets near my kitchen again, Felix and I are going to have a long talk."
As the three of them left back for the B&B Artie looked to Mrs. Frederic, "When did he get a fox?"
Mrs. Frederic merely smiled, "Perhaps it came from the animal shelter. You know that Agent Draco volunteers there on occasion..."
Bridal Suite, B&B Edit
As the women worked on Bri, Sarah admitted, "Got to hand it to you and Nikki to pick out bridal wear that is something I'd actually wear out on the town."
"It was either this or goo-purple with a giant teal flower on your shoulder." the Maid of Honor joked, "I think we made the right choice."
The bridesmaid's dresses were a shade of storm-blue and knee length; more sleek than overtly gaudy like most other bridal dresses. This being said, everyone but Claudia was already dressed.
Mary got up from doing Bri's nails, "Claudia, aren't you going to get dressed soon? As soon as Bri's ready, Hugo is doing pictures."
The warehouse's female tech guru stood up from her chair and stretched, "You know I don't do dresses that well. I'll wait for then. My hair and and nails are already done anyways."
Bri gave her a small frown, "Please Claud? You don't have to keep the dress after today, you can donate it to Goodwill if you want."
Sighing, Claudia took up the bag the dress was in, "Okay, okay..." and headed behind the changing screen.
Once out of earshot, Mary raised an eyebrow, "Did you just?"
Bri pulled the silver pocket watch out and smiled, "Consider it a safety plan in case something goes wrong."
Lawn of the B&B Edit
Finally adjusting to the notion of the wedding, Artie was starting to help out with the remaining set up. He didn't know why the couple had an ice sculpture of themselves, but he didn't argue...until he found Mikhail Britnev's Journal in the base to keep it from melting.
"This isn't what artifacts are meant for!" he grumbled to himself as he started towards the B&B to see if Abigail needed any help. Before he could leave the wedding area however, his cell phone buzzed to life. Blaine, Claudia and almost everyone else at the Warehouse had convinced him to get one (Felix had even reverse-pick-pocketed a phone to him one day). Pulling it out, he grumbled as he managed to open what was making the phone to go off, but when he did, he cussed
Blaine and Claudia had made an app for the smartphones the agents and consultants had to alert them if an artifact was going rogue, and it'd acted as a godsend several time. This time however, Artie felt a small bit of happiness in him, as the artifact that was loosing it's cool was tied to weddings.
Bridal Suite; B&B Edit
Among the rush to get Bri ready for the walk down the aisle, the buzz of a Farnsworth reached the ears of the trained agents. Stopping everything, the bride to be hiked her dress up and grabbed her Farnsworth and turned it on, "Tyler I swear if you're trying to-"
"I don't care about that." Artie cut her off, "There's a problem at the Warehouse."
Bri groaned, "Look Artie, I know you're not a fan of this but it's too la-"
The senior Warehouse Agent furrowed his brow, "I'm being serious. There's an artifact going off the rails right now and it needs to be taken care of."
"And you're calling me why?" Bri asked, "I can't exactly miss what's going on today if you haven't noticed. Can't we send Hugo or Kosan to deal with it?"
Artie gave her a stink-eye, "You don't think I would've done that already? Only a woman can neutralize Constance Hatchaway's Veil, not to mention it's your fault that it's even flaring up."
Bri gave him a blank stare, "Who even is Constance Hatchaway?"
Sarah walked over to the call, "Disney's Haunted Mansion ride." she shrugged casually.
The bride looked at her, "The Eddie Murphy movie?"
"No, the actual ride." she explained, "Hatchaway was a black widow who killed her husbands for their money and essentially 'kill's the rider during the ride. I'm assuming a wedding based on mutual love is angering the artifact?"
Artie nodded, "Now if you want to make the wedding, I suggest Bri gets going." and hung up.
She looked at the others, "Fine...get me out of this thing. I'll try to make this fast." As she reached up for her zipper, Nikki stopped her.
"There's not enough time to get you back into you're dress." Nikki pointed out, "Besides, you're not going alone, you're going to need us since there's no way your hair or make-up is going to hold up if it's as bad as Artie implies. We're going with you so we can touch you up afterwards."
Sarah nodded, "Besides, what more than the whole bridal party to take down a wedding-related artifact? To the car!"
Coming out of the kitchen with a buffet heater of gravy in hand, Abigail stopped and watch what she could only be described as a makeover-on-the-move as Bri and the rest of the bridal party plowed down the steps and out into Claudia's Prius as it peeled out of the driveway.
B&B Grounds Edit
As the groomsmen pulled into the parking lot at the B&B, a red Prius flew past them, a blur of grey and white inside it. They all blinked in confusion, and as they got out the managed to find Artie, Farnsworth in hand.
"Artie," Jinks called out as they approached, "What was with Claudia's Prius speeding out of here like that?"
The senior agent didn't bother looking up and tried to pass it off as no big deal, "Artifact emergency. Bri's taking care of it."
Tyler raised an eyebrow, "What kind of emergency Artie? Mind you, that's my wife you sent to fix it."
He waved off the groom, "It's just Constance Hatchaway's Veil. Better her than you go to fix it."
Tyler blinked, "Wait, 'Haunted Mansion' Constance Hatchaway? That's the artifact going nuts?" He sighed, "Of course that's the artifact."
Blaine tilted his head, "Care to explain?"
"Haunted Mansion, the ride, not the 'meh' movie," Tyler explained, "Ghosts of the woman's husbands who she killed for money haunted it alongside her own ghost. There's a part right before you're 'tossed' out a window where you pass her. Chances are that a happy marriage is ticking it off."
"And sending the groom in is asking for-" Pete drew a finger across his neck.
"More like chop chop chop." Tyler replied, doing a copping motion, "her name is Hatchaway after all."
Jinks cut their conversation off, "Look, until then we have pictures to pose for, come on."
Hearding them towards the woods, Tyler's personal cellphone went off. Hoping that it was Bri he quickly pulled it out, only to frown since it was someone else. Answering it, Tyler's mood went from upset to panicked.
"What do you mean he can't make it?" he asked into the phone, "Well, what are we supposed to do then?" Pause, "Well, thanks for letting us know."
Matt tilted his head, "What's wrong?"
The groom grumbled, "Priest had a family emergency, had to cancel...I have no bride and now no priest...damn you Murphy!"
Warehouse 13 Edit
Claudia's Prius drove through the canyon to the Warehouse, kicking up a fierce dust storm behind it was it sed towards its destination. Bri grunted in frustration as she tried to hit the break pedal with her foot, only to be stopped by her heel getting caught in the fabric of her dress. "Stupid! Shoes!" She finally managed to press the break down just as they reached the entrance of the massive building. Huffing, she unbuckled and got out of the car quickly, nearly tripping on her dress train and hiking it up above her knees. "Alright girls, let's go. Any idea where this thing might be located?"
Nikki nodded, jogging from around the car with Sarah in tow, "Disney Aisle, with all the other artifacts collected specifically from the parks across the world."
Nodding, the bride and her two bridesmaids entered the Umbilicus and went to Artie's computer. "If it's possible, we should try to send a neutralizer sprinkler to that section in case we can stop it preemptively." Nikki suggested, until Bri shook her shoulder.
"Uh, Nikki," Bri said nervously, "take a look at the map. I don't think the veil is in the section anymore."
Nikki switched screens to look at the artifact disturbance map, and saw a red flaring dot blatantly on the monitor. Only it was outside the Disney Aisle, moving quickly towards other areas. "What the hell? What's it doing?"
"My guess," Sarah spoke up, pointing at the map, "taking out its rage on love artifacts, it's heading straight for that area labelled Eros."
Bri immediately ran outside the aisle and pulled out a keypad from he brick wall while Sarah and Nikki followed, confused.
"What are you doing Bri?" Sarah asked, watching as Bri punched n coordinates, causing the zipline to come to life.
"No way am I letting that thing destroy an entire sector, let alone the Aisle of Love, on my special day." Bri said determinedly, "I'm taking the fight to her. This Lizzie Borden Bride is going down and I'm gonna walk the aisle looking as good as the moment I came here. You girls with me?"
The zipline harness arrived at the balcony, and the two bridesmaids looked at each other for a moment, before nodding and walking forward.
B&B Grounds Edit
Tyler paced around the grounds of the B&B grumbling, "I don't believe it. We could deal with one or the other, but I have no idea how to deal with both."
The groomsmen had just gotten their pictures taken and were now trying to deal with the new problem of the ordained minister having to cancel on the wedding.
"Why can't the two of you just go to city hall after the reception?" Blaine asked as he furiously typed to find a site that could ordain you as quick as possible.
Tyler looked up at the HARP tech, "Do you realize how many priests we had to go through to finally get one who not only we could trust, but that Artie would allow?" He groaned remembering the grueling process, "We almost had to go out of state for one. What makes you think he'll trust Diane down at City Hall?"
Pete was about to say something, but stopped, "You...have a point. Any luck on a website Biston?" He leaned over the shoulder of the curly haired consultant.
"Everything takes at least a week." Blaine replied, "Sorry dude...I can't do anything for you here."
The groom shouted in anger, "UGHH! I'm not going to say it, I'm not going to say it...."
Jinks tilted his head, "Say what?"
"Murphy's Law." Tyler said, shooting a look of warning, "That's all I'm going to say."
Matt was deep in though, "Chances are that Artie at one point or another had to go undercover as a priest...maybe he could do it?"
Tyler took a deep breath, really not wanting to pick that choice, but he was running out of options, "Fine. Where is he?"
Pete directed the groom to where the wedding was set up. The older agent was sitting in the back row, trying to figure out how to work his phone, getting more and more frustrated with it, "I don't want Insta-chat or Snap-gram...just show me how to take a picture!"
"Bottom button on the side," Tyler pointed out as he approached, "Hold it in and it'll open the camera app for you."
Artie nodded and did so, the camera now ready to shoot, "Couldn't Felix have also given me the instruction to this thing to?"
"And pass up the chance to have you come to us for help?" Felix smirked, "Wouldn't dream of it. But we have more pressing matters Artie."
He blinked, "H-how bad? 'Bad enough to cancel the wedding' bad?" Tyler wasn't exactly pleased by the sense of eagerness in his voice.
"Depends." Tyler replied, trying to keep his cool as he circled around so the portly agent didn't have to turn in his seat, "The minister just cancelled due to a family emergency. We can't get a person here ordained in time, pretty sure Aden pulled all his favors, and I'm not willing to make the first stop of my honeymoon the town hall." The HARP consultant took a deep breath, "Matt mentioned that you might have been undercover as a priest at one point. Can you officiate the wedding?"
Artie had been slowly nodding, but when Tyler asked him the favor, he crinkled his forehead, "It was the eighties, I was on a humanitarian aid mission trying to collect Esther Mahlangu's Jocolo from an African village that was causing-"
Blaine cut him off, "Save the stories for the reception and a few glasses of champagne, were you ordained or not?"
"No!" Artie scoffed, "Do you know how hard it was just to convince them I was even Catholic? The artifact needed collection and I didn't have time to go through the process. I just brushed up on my Latin and bible passages for it."
All the groomsmen groaned in frustration at the news before going back to thinking about what they could do.
Pete suddenly got a look of inspiration, "Wait. Wait wait wait wait, back when I was in the marines, a few of my S.O.s had the ability to officiate weddings."
Matt tilted his head, "So what, you have a marine buddy you owe a favor to?"
The senior agent shook his head, "No, what I mean is-and this is just a crazy idea-what if Mrs. F does the wedding." As soon as the words left his mouth, all the guys (including Artie) stared at him as if he'd suggested they take the wedding to Vegas.
"Normally I'd ask if you were out of your mind," Artie replied, "But since I've had to babysit you for the last several years, I know that you definitely have lost your mind now. What makes you think that-"
Felix interrupted Artie, "Wait...he might have a point. Mrs. Frederick is the Caretaker of the Warehouse, and I'm pretty sure even the Regents would have some kind of power to officiate the wedding, and Kosan is coming already."
Artie did a double-take from his seat, "Wait, Kosan is coming too?"
Tyler ignored the question, "And she has been around for a while. Surely she's seen her fair share of weddings and knows the protocol. The question is now...where's Mrs. Frederick?" All the other groomsmen shrugged before splitting up to look around the B&B grounds for her, leaving Tyler and Artie alone.
Taking a deep breath, Tyler took the seat next to Artie, "Look, Artie, I know you've done everything you could short of actually sabotaging the wedding to stop me and Bri from going through with this. Blaine read the reports about the Warehouse agents and their families never quite being able to bounce back from loosing their family members at the hands of an artifact. I know you don't want that to happen to me or her, but..." he looked up and looked Artie in the eyes, "We're willing to take that risk. It's not a burden you need to shoulder. We're adults now, not the teens who Leena recruited all those years ago. Please, give us your blessing."
There was a long silence where the two just looked at each other. Tyler not breaking his serious expression, eventually wearing Artie down.
"I understand. You have my blessing." The then quickly added, "It won't matter though if you can't find Mrs. Frederick!"
Standing up, Tyler nodded, "But how do you even ask her that? Go up to her and say 'Mrs. Frederick, we're in a tight spot and need you to officiate the wedding. Would you be able to?"
"I'd be honored Consultant Lepido."
The groom nearly leaped out of his suit as he turned to find his boss standing behind him, clutching her purse and holding Target's leash, smiling.
"I'd be honored to officiate the wedding, but I will need to change into something a bit more appropriate."
The Disney Vault Edit
The trio of women touched down somewhere near the Disney Vault with am oomph. As they were falling, Bri had a fleeting thought, 'Why can't my dress act as a parachute? Curse you for lying to me, Alice in Wonderland!"
The two bridesmaids barely managed not to land on each other; however, Bri's dress didn't have such a smooth landing. When she landed, part of Bri's dress was snagged on a splintery post jutting out from a stack of shelves, and was pulled as she fell, creating a relatively small but still noticeable hole in the bottom of her dress.
"Shit!" Bri swore, holding up the part of her dress and sticking her fingers through it. "I don't suppose either of you brought a sewing kit along?"
"Do I look like I know how to sew?" Sarah asked, getting up and helping the other two to their feet. "We'll have to figure out how to fix your dress later, the artifact comes first."
Bri sighed and stomped her foot, looking around. "This place is a little bigger than I expected. How do we know where the veil is kept?" Just as she asked, a loud, angry scream was heard, followed by the sound of objects crashing to the floor. "Uh, never mind. Left."
The bridesmaids nodded, and they three ran off in the direction of the noise. Taking several turns and nearly getting lost along the way, they immediately stopped at the entrance to the row of shelves when they saw what was on the opposite end.
Floating a good foot or two above the ground, surrounded in a ghostly purple-blue glow, was a transparent woman in a bridal gown, looking eerily calmly around the shelves of artifacts, some of which had been scattered on the floor. "I do... I did..." she said in her deceptively calm voice. As she slowly turned toward the women, her serene face transformed into that of a shrieking skull, and a large, shining hatchet materialized in her hands. "Till death do us part!" she screamed, flying directly at the trio.
The three screamed, and ran off down the other aisles. "Dammit Disney," Nikki shouted, "Why did you have to make a character that's genuinely scary?!" Sliding on their feet as they reared a corner, they managed to hide against the wooden rack ends as the ghostly bride searched for them, her large axe gleaming. "In sickness, and in wealth..."
"Nikki, Bri," Sarah hissed from one shelf across from them, "how do we stop that thing?! The veil's on her head, and she's not stopping until heads roll!"
The three looked around for a lever or switch that connected to a neutralizer sprinkler system above the shelves, to be used for remote goo-ing, but had no such luck. That was when Bri had an idea. "Girls," she said quickly, "I think I know what to do. Claudia was working on a new prototype Neuralizer weapon, and had it stored in some of the more high-profile sections like this one. I think I remember where it is, but you two will here to distract Ms. Widowmaker over there until I get it. Think you can outrun her?" Nikki and Sarah looked to each other and nodded. "Good. I'll head down the second aisle to the left, you two lead her around some corners and over to the same shelves. Go!"
The three split up, heading in opposite directions. As the bride headed to the end of a row of shelves, the bridesmaids started clapping their hands and shouting, trying to get Constance's attention. "Hey, Constance! Over heeere! We've got a bouquet for you to catch!"
With a snarl, the phantasmal woman appeared from around a corner, glaring daggers (or rather, hatchets) at the two. "As long as we both shall live..." Her face had changed back to normal, her dress flowing behind her as if there were an invisible wind in front of her.
"Hey, Hathaway," Nikki started, "Do any of your old husbands still miss you?" She nudged Sarah, who smirked confidently and stifled a giggle.
"Well, I bet their aims are getting better!" The two laughed at Constance's expression, which changed to one of confusion, before morphing back into an angry skull that screamed loudly at them. Their jovial laughty quickly ceased, and they ran back around the shelves, trying to get to where Bri had gone.
Constance swung her large hatchet side to side, trying to lob one of their heads off, before they split up at the end of the aisle. She paused, and looked around, trying to decide which one to go after, when someone whistled behind her and got her attention.
"Here comes the bride!" Bri said confidently, pointing a large, purple-colored, augmented shotgun at the ghost's head. The woman screeched even louder, and reared her armed hand back. Just ashe she threw it forward, Bri pulled the trigger, and a cluster of goo-filled pellets rocketed toward the veil. Almost immediately, they made contact, instantly dissipating the apparition, as well as the axe just before it reached her face.
The veil fell silently to the ground, covered in purple goo. The bride held the weapon to her lips and blew the rising purple smoke from the barrel. "Now that's what I call a shotgun wedding."
B&B Grounds Edit
The bridal party barely had time as they pulled back into the parking lot. The Fairy Godmother's wand from the Disney Aisle made a quick fix of Bri's hair, makeup and dress.